The world still seems to be moving quickly – after months of glacial creep, buildings are whizzing by. I’m back in my day job at Happy Mums but with a number of side jobs and the ever-consuming job of motherhood. In some ways I find this helpful – it’s like spread betting if you like that kind of thing. If I’m crap at one thing, I’m not necessarily crap overall. That’s the theory anyway.
A year ago, I felt I was in an impossible position – told by occupational health at my nursing job that I wasn’t fit to return to my post but without any alternative employment to go to. Whilst I had gone a long way on the road to recovery, it was still just a few months since I had been discharged from a psychiatric hospital, so I could see their point.
The only alternative I was presented with was being off sick. I really really didn’t want to be off work any longer – I needed a function beyond parenting to give me back any sense of myself. That was when I started volunteering at Happy Mums, and eventually this turned into a paid job and I was able to leave behind my staff nurse job – something sad but ultimately empowering.
So it’s been really amazing to be able to get to a point where I am well enough to nurse, as well as work at Happy Mums and be a mum myself. At times over the last two years I haven’t been able to see beyond the end of each day and I couldn’t care for my own needs never mind anyone else’s.
When I was in the midst of all those difficult decisions, and it felt like I was a square peg that wouldn’t fit in anyone’s round hole, it felt like everything was a loss. I lost my life, my career, myself in the mundane merry-go-round of motherhood.
But now, having zoomed out through the lens of time, I can see how I can rewrite and reclaim my story. What felt like defeats now feel like setbacks: plot twists in a complex narrative that won’t necessarily end in disaster.
I hope that can give you hope if you are staring into the darkness. With the right support and lots of tiny little steps you can paint a brighter picture. The darkness doesn’t disappear: you twist the lens and see it is just part of the story.