For a variety of reasons, most of which stem from my childhood, I have never had a strong sense of who or what I am. That will probably sound like ridiculous psycho-babble to many but for me it has been both an anguish and an opportunity.
The anguish comes from living in a world where people expect certainty and standpoint. More recently it has been a particular problem for me when attempting to parent my child. More than anyone she needs me to be a fixed thing: her mother, her safe place, the answer to her every question. It also has made me particularly vulnerable to difficult life events – when the storm comes, I have little to anchor me in place.
But also throughout my adult life I have also been able to use this protean problem to my advantage. I don’t know anyone else who has or maybe even could have followed my life path from disengaged drug taking teen to English teacher in China, Cambridge graduate, Italian tour guide, journalist, baker, road train conductor, nurse and lately peer support worker in maternal mental health.
I don’t say these things to boast. In fact when I look at that list it all feels utterly disconnected from me sitting here in my kitchen with my cat.
My fluid sense of identity also helps me when I am understanding a multiplicity of viewpoints and was a particular advantage as a journalist. It makes me constantly question the truth and reality of anything. Invaluable in a journalist but not so good when trying to make decisions about how to act – or when I come across others who are certain in their views. At times like those I shrink away and can switch easily into the mode of fear and shame that I carry constantly with me.
I think it also connects with empathy, because where I find little solace in my own viewpoint, I shift easily into the heads of others. I shape myself according to their needs and reactions – I become what they need. This ability helped me when I was a nurse and continues to help me support pregnant women and mums in my job in peer support at The Happy Mums Foundation.
Empathy has also been difficult for me. Sometimes the weight of everyone else’s pain is too much, and I disintegrate further. It can leave me less able to help others or to stand up for what is right.
It is also part of why parenting has been so traumatic for me. A baby and now a toddler both have incredibly intense, fast-changing needs and emotions which can leave anyone, however strong their sense of themselves, feeling buffeted by a hurricane.
Ultimately, with the help of a psychologist, I am trying to find some sense of identity not in a fixed thing, but in the idea of shifting, change and flexibility. It will inevitably make me ill-suited to many roles in life, where decisive action or firm viewpoint are advantages or essential. But in some roles it may be a benefit – and will allow me to listen to others whose experiences are totally beyond my own.