After weeks of stultifying sameness, the last week has felt revolutionary. My little girl has been back in nursery, which she has loved as much as I have. This has opened up my world exponentially – the possibility of work and writing, the joys of seeing friends and open water swimming, and the realisation that I hadn’t held hands with my husband for a long time. One of us has always been holding another, tinier hand, or pushing her pushchair. It’s quite a good metaphor for how your relationship changes after a child. Without noticing it you don’t converse, you handover. You aim your words to your child not to your partner, and you get lost in petty negotiations about feeding, sleeping, discipline.
That’s why getting back into the cool, dark waters of the Lake District has been particularly refreshing for me. My body has not felt like my own since I contracted what I assume was COVID-19 and I have been particularly wary about cold water, fearful of what it would do to my tender lungs. It was a bit like being pregnant, that feeling of not trusting your body; not knowing how much it could take.
But the hot weather and advent of nursery made me brave, with the help of a tow float and not straying far from the shore. There are lots of reasons open water swimming is good for mental health – from the chemistry of endorphin release, to the psychology of the seemingly impossible becoming possible, endurance turning into joy. It’s also something I share with my husband – a common interest that binds us together.
Elsewhere I've taken another cold plunge; I have been back on hospital wards working for the first time since I had my daughter. It was not as terrifying as I might have thought but was hard too. Having struggled so much to care for my own child, it felt surreal to be caring for others’ children. Not so long ago I was the patient, so it's an odd feeling being the carer again. I have also been part of the much-trumpeted NHS Test and Trace programme – a clinical case worker who calls up those who test positive to COVID-19 and traces their contacts.
That’s the theory anyway. So far the only calls I have made have been to colleagues to check things are working. I have had no cases. I hit refresh over and over, but still no cases. It’s hard to know why: I guess I am part of the necessary slack in a system ready to expand if we get the dreaded second wave. Or maybe people aren’t taking up the tests now available to anyone with symptoms. Or maybe the systems aren’t functioning at full capacity. Either way, it’s a surreal way to spend your time – hitting refresh and waiting.