Obviously plan A is being a great parent all of the time – being firm but fair, baking organic chia bars and inventing fun educational games everyone enjoys before a tear-free bedtime and 13-hour sleep. But for those of us who fall short of this pipe-dream, here are some hacks to look like you’re winning at parenting life - in short these are the York /Spark notes to Hamlet, the BBC Bitesize to cram before your GCSEs. In the words of Anna Maxwell Martin’s character in Motherland, here’s how to pull off straight As at the school gates while only really managing “entry level parenting” (unless of course you get downgraded by the dreaded algorithm).
- Dry Shampoo is your friend – I can’t believe it took me until the age of 37 and the birth of my daughter to discover dry shampoo. It’s a pretty extreme route to enlightenment and I don’t think you have to do the pregnancy/birthing thing to use it. But once I found it I haven’t looked back. With a screaming child baying at the shower door sometimes it is better to cut out the hair wash phase, that way no drying either and BONUS often my hair actually looks better. Two notes of caution – you do still need to wash it. Occasionally. And if you put too much on you end up looking like either a vampire or an extra from Marie Antoinette.
- Aim no higher than crispy cakes – And this is the most you need to be “baking”. Melting chocolate and mixing are enough. Failing that, supermarket’s own bakery and transfer to Tupperware.
- Talk loudly about how your child mispronounces words to sound like swear words – “Oh it’s so embarrassing when she’s trying to say frog/duck/stick/that’s it!” That way when they swear loudly in public you are covered. Note of caution – this only works while they are learning to talk. Once they have mastered verbal communication they are likely to say “Mummy always says fuck off when she is cross”, and there’s no getting out of that. There are loads of great examples on YouTube – there must surely be a reason swear words are so easily confused??
- Disguise mess as sensory play – people earn a living coming up with ways to get children to cause havoc with cornflakes/jelly/cooked spaghetti. So next time you find your offspring sitting in the middle of a Rice Krispie pile (see previous crispie cake item) just chuck some jelly down and pretend you were developing their awareness of different textures.
- Turn vandalism into artwork – next time they scribble on the walls with crayons or daub food somewhere unspeakable just empty out a picture frame, stick it on and hey presto they have created modern art. Hey if sticking a cow in formaldehyde and an unmade bed can win prizes, who knows they might make the Turner shortlist.
- Petroleum Jelly on their bottom – stops the poo sticking and it’s cheap and non-irritable (just like me). – it doesn’t do much to clear up an existing nappy rash (again just like me) but it seems to keep them at bay. Note of caution: you should probably stop at some point – I’d suggest when they are out of nappies but I’ll leave that with you.
Please do share your own – I’m thinking more gin and swearing than finger painting and bliss balls.