Everywhere we are surrounded by powerful myths of motherhood. Lily Potter shielding her baby from the dark lord, Dumbo’s mummy cradling him in her trunk, and god don’t mention Bambi. We are told from an early age that Mummy is pure golden love – the safe haven from every storm, and her absence is the absence of hope and safety.
And enough people experience the warm rush of love and all-encompassing desire to nurture that the myth is more than just a story – it’s a powerful reality too. So many people told me everything would change – my focus would be my child, my other interests and desires would evaporate in the face of this raging glow. I wouldn’t want to study or strive or pursue any more.
For me this thought felt utterly stifling. There was a passage in “Me Before You” by Jojo Moyes where a character has just given birth:
“It’s like I’m looking through a funnel,” she had said, gazing at his newborn form.
“The world has just shrunk to me and him.”’
I too felt this shrinking but for me it was more like being rammed head first into the funnel, with the tube tightening around me like a boa constrictor, or like the dammed in the ever diminishing circles of hell.
The problem with such a powerful story – of all-consuming motherhood – is that there is little left for those who feel differently. When you fail to live up to the ideal it can be hard to construct your own narrative of what it means to be a mother.
But perhaps this is where we can also find hope. Shared myths are powerful, but don’t underestimate the power of the forgotten, of the underdog, of the grit in the oyster. We can start to write our own stories of motherhood in times of struggle. Of tiny glimmers of hope in the darkness, of shared troubles and dark humour. We can turn our weaknesses into strengths, our darkness into light. We can weave a thread of realism through the tapestry of motherhood – one that will hold fast under the even the greatest of strain.
Some resources
Every Life Matters - a great personal planning tool to help get you through lockdown and manage your mental health. I particularly like the hope jar and the suicidal thoughts bits – too often mental health tools are all about relaxation and going for a walk – while these are important they don’t help me when I’ve lost hope.
Mind perinatal (around having a baby) guides - information, real-life stories and support about a whole range of mental health problems and coping with a new baby.
Elefriends - Mind’s online support group.
Samaritans – still operating by phone or email 24/7
Every Mind Matters - NHS national resources for mental health and wellbeing.
Rethink - How to cope with suicidal thoughts and how to talk to someone you are worried about.